Effective Apologies
Why does it feel so difficult to apologize? Some people are easily able to toss out a quick, “I’m sorry,” while others can get physically ill at the thought of doing so. Everybody has felt resistance to apologizing for one reason or another. Maybe you felt that apologizing would stir up an undesired confrontation? Maybe you believe that expressing remorse is akin to admitting guilt in a situation where you feel you are innocent? Or maybe it has something to do with your self-esteem…
Why should I apologize? Humans are relational creatures. We inevitably impact each other with every word, gesture, and facial expression we make. Whether or not you meant to inflict harm, expressing regret for negatively impacting another person is critical for rebuilding trust and moving forward. Additionally, providing sincere apologies can release you from the stress you feel about your role in the conflict. Furthermore, willing apologizers tend to be more successful in business and fair better financially (Robbennolt, Lawless, 2013).
OK, how do I offer a meaningful apology? Use the B.E.A.L. acronym below to make real progress in resolving the conflict.
Behavior: What was the thing you did that was wrong, in the other person’s opinion? State this to the other person without adding excuses or justifications (e.g., “I only acted liked a jerk because you were so awful.”).
Emotion: What was the emotion felt by the other person when you did this behavior? Use the Feelings Wheel to identify what you think they felt.
Action: What action can you take so that you will not make the same mistake in the future? And/or what can you do to make amends to the other person?
Listen: Apologize, state what you did wrong, the emotion you think the other person felt, and what you will do to make up for it. Then listen to the other person to see if you got it right. They may be upset about something different than you think. Or they may feel differently than you guessed. Or they may want you to make amends in a different way. Listen. This is hard, but it is essential.